Heitz Cellars Ink Grade Port

I could have just put a picture of an ice cream cone! Dessert wine break! I don't know a lot about port. Okay fine, I know nothing about it.

And to date I have only had two, but the reason is this: they are big bottles and I am a small hobbit. And yes, I know I can put it away, but they have a higher alcohol content than wine, and you don't want to drink that much. It's like eating a too-big piece of cake, where after a while it doesn't feel or taste like cake any more it just tastes like putting spoonfuls of fatty butter in your gob.

A port night is a special occasion. Because this shit is also esssspensive.

A smaller bottle (350ml), can be $40-plus. Well, for the good stuff anyway. Maybe that is why I haven't ventured far into this world. But I do intend to remedy it soon and I hope you stay with me on the journey from port to port.

See what I did there?

Now Heitz has a lot of tasty wines, which early in my experience, seemed very hit and miss. Their wines are also very expensive, like $50 plus for the cab, and it was just out of my range. It didn't rope me in at the tasting and I couldn't afford to take a chance on that horse. But they are merely an acquaintance at the moment, mysterious and intriguing. And I'd like to know them better.

But the port had me at =Pop!=

This is sweet and approachable, but has an air of sophistication about it. You don't need a coat and a pipe while sipping this. 'cause it's baked right in to the crust!

Bottom line: Special occasion! Like whatever today is! Is it Thursday? Or Saturday? Anyway! Another day of living, of new experiences, an opportunity to be grateful for the little things.

Napa Cellars Pinot Noir 2012

Will wonders never cease?!? Now I know I tend to coddle Napa Cellars a bit. I do really like their wines, but I don't want to seem like I'm playing favorites unfairly.

But this is one of the first Pinots I have had in a looong time that completely challenged my aforementioned disdain for the varietal.

This has a smoothness to it that many pinots lack. I often feel like I'm swallowing a cactus, but this was not like that. It also seemed darker than a normal Pinot. They tend to be at the lighter end of the red spectrum, but perhaps Napa just went all rebellious and made something darker and delicious-er.

All I know is I like it.

So Surprise yourself and a friend! Surprise wine and cheese party for two! Surprise! Pour the wine over them like it's Gatorade and they just won the big game!

Bottom line: Surprise!

Mt. Monster Cabernet Sauvignon 2011

[Insert sound of Angels here] We found wine heaven in LA, and it isn't BevMo, it is Total Wine and Liquor. The selection is staggering. They have rows of wine, grouped by region, and probably cross referenced, roving hoards of sommeliers-adjacent brigands, an entire wall of vodka.

If only it weren't an hour drive away from my house. I may have to move just to be closer to this commercial monstrosity. Because I wants all the things it haveses.

This wine came as a recommendation from one of the aforementioned rovers. It had allegedly won some award the previous year.

I also bought this because of the label: it has purple, a mountain, monsters, and it is from Australia. I thought it would be fun. But this wine is serious.

Too serious.

I don't mean to be pejorative, but this is a screw cap wine, and they need to be breezier--not Bacardi breezier, just less intense. It has high levels of concentration, followed by too much thought, perplexity, and ultimately inconsistency. The person at the party who is bringing the energy down, and probably should have left a little sooner than, say, closing the place down.

Bottom line: Drink this when you aren't having fun, maybe while doing your taxes, or watching an intense dramatic film that borders on (gulp) educational. But pop the screwcap soon, or it may go Voldem--I mean... you know.

V. Sattui Winery Cabernet Sauvignon 2009 Preston Vineyard

Yadda, yadda, yadda, wine=good.

I confess I tasted this a while ago, so my memory of it is a little faded. However we do have another bottle of it, specifically the Preston Vineyard, as well as the standard version. So I will have to do an update. I don't recall being as impressed with this as the Merlot, something about it being drier and much more tannic. Perhaps it just needs to be cellared for a bit. Yes! That's the ticket! Just the thing to sort it out!

Bottom line: A good chap to have around, and the longer you keep it, the more you'll like it.

V. Sattui Winery Merlot 2010

V. Sattui is one-a them fancy wineries, whose wines are only available from their winery. That's right folks, this offer is not available in stores! The day we went was a busy day to begin with, but on a normal day this would be a busy place. The grounds are huge, and beautiful, and elaborate with areas for special events, like weddins n' anythin else y'all can conjer up. They have two tasting rooms, both huge, and we apparently went to the fancy one.

They are one of the few wineries that have a food license. There is a cheese shop with enough cheese to plug you for life, and a place to buy luncheon items, in addition to the obligatory swag, monogrammed wine glasses, cork key chains, and coasters, which you can buy pretty much anywhere you hear a cork pop.

So we picked up a little cross section of their wines--and a couple of their dessert wines too, a port and Madeira. This merlot is quite lovely, not too dry, and not too sweet, but better when allowed to fully develop.

Have you ever had a wine at dinner the following night which you opened the day prior, only to find it is almost a completely different wine? Let this baby explore the world for a while before you indulge.

Bottom line: Patience is a virtue, a tasty, tasty virtue.

Ménage a trois California Red Wine 2011

This! Okay move over Two Buck Chuck! This is the best cheap wine you will have today! Granted, it is more like $7 or $8, and the more savvy could probably seek it out for $6, nonetheless it is worth twice what you paid. I would be surprised to find a wine that is cheaper and better.

If you haven't found this yet, come out from under your rock, Hilda, and embrace the dark purple sunshine!

This is not the most amazing wine you will ever taste, or drink. But it is a solid addition to any cellar, great for cooking and getting blasted with a friend (actually I don't recommend getting blasted on wine--that is for ugly girls. If you insist on getting wasted on alcohol, do it the proper way: with liquor).

You should always have a couple bottles of cheap drinking wine after the tasting is over and you feel like keeping a buzz going to fuel a great conversation. (I know I have mentioned this before, but I'm mentioning it again--cause this shit is, like, important).

I don't want to misrepresent myself: I have no problem drinking alone. It's just not as fun. I much prefer company. Because if I am drinking alone, my wine is probably being seasoned by bitter tears of salty defeat, or salty regret, or salty self-pity. Not always: sometimes I will have a wine and cheese party for one while watching an old black and white movie--cause ya gotta.

But most often, wine is a social thing. Have it with a friend, it tastes better.

So yes, Folie a Deux. One moment I'm lambasting you, comparing you to your prettier older sister, Napa Cellars, but this is one thing Napa Cellars can't do: be this good for this cheap. It's a blend of Trois wines. You can find it at Costco. It has a sweetness to it, a smoothness, and bizarrely, a sophisticated structure that something this cheap should not have. It should fall apart on your tongue, dissolving into goo like old gum, but like your best suspenders, it holds up.

Bottom line: Two steps: 1. Buy a case. 2. Drink said case.